Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Review: Quartet is four times what you think it'll be

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Quartet is one of those films that at first looks as if it could have been shown on ITV1, that you half-heartedly waltz into the cinema to watch thinking you're probably not going to enjoy very much. Not because it looks awful, but because it's filled with old people and it's about old stuff and you think, perhaps rightly so, that it's a film aimed at old people so they can look at all the old people in it and say, "These people are old, just like me!" - and you'd be majorly, incredibly, massively wrong. Perhaps the most wrong you've ever been in your life, in fact. It's quite simply an unforgettable picture led by a fantastic cast of the best selection of British actors who've all been pointed and shouted at by Dustin Hoffman - this is the very first movie he's directed and he's done a bloody good job of it! But you're probably wondering how it can be so darn good when it doesn't even feature the smallest of explosions!?

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Review: The Hobbit - An Unexpectedly lengthy Journey

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 Warning: Spoilers, you fools! 

It's not that it's too long - nearly three hours worth of storytelling is perfectly acceptable for a good movie - it's that it quite simply hasn't got enough stuff to fill such a big gap. So, instead, it pads itself out with long lingering looks or dwarves singing or slow-mo fight scenes or shots of mountains... You see, The Hobbit is a short book really, compared to The Lord Of The Rings, and it's a 'small-scale' story. There's plenty here that would be cut if the plan was a two-film tale as opposed to the trilogy we've got ahead of us - and it'd be cut because it's no good. It's filler, not killer. Dull. Maybe it worked in the book but on the screen it's just there because it is. But, somewhere in there, there's a few bits and pieces that make you go all wibbly inside and remind us why LOTR was such fun!

Monday, 17 December 2012

Kat Slater's secret lover REVEALED!

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Digital Spy has told us that "EastEnders favourite Alfie Moon is left devastated... as the reveal of Kat's mystery lover proves to be the final straw for his troubled marriage." And it's no wonder really, as the reason she's been so secretive over the true identity of the bloke she's been banging is because the bloke is actually a lady and the lady is actually her barmaid, Tracy! In much the same way her long forgotten daughter Zoe did, she's been dabbling in the lesbian arena - and now it's time for her to come clean. And it's all just in time for Christmas!

Friday, 14 December 2012

Shopping List December 2012 - Five gifts you want for Xmas

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Christmas is right around the corner and children everywhere are ready to burst with excitement at the thought of unwrapping an iPhone 5, Wii U or 3D TV on the big day. Sucks, doesn't it, how the magic has been torn from the festive season. Since when did all a child care about become the latest electrical gadgets, Furbys and Doctor Who? What happened to teddy bears, board games and wearing silly hats? Never mind. What follows is a list of five fab gift ideas the child inside all us geeky adults really wishes for come the 25th (if we survive that long)!

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Review: The Life of Pi, plus some bits either side

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 Roaring: There's a couple of mild spoilers beneath the surface! 

The book of ‘The Life of Pi’ is probably a lot better than the film. Without having read it, the adventure we see here is astounding, even jaw dropping. Despite the gobsmackability of the picture, it seems that there’s an awful lot included that the movie doesn’t really need, bogging it down either end – which is a shame, because the proper meat of the story is magical and exciting and beautiful and has a tiger in it… So, yay for the tiger! But if a lorry load extra filler nonsense was chopped from the edit, we’d have a more concise, less jarring movie to watch! However, bear in mind that a lot of what comes across as needless in the film is probably smashing to read in the book, because it’s no doubt fully explored. Here, it just serves to make everything seem surprisingly long winded, making the ‘oomph’ factor a little trickier to find - but rest assured it’s in there somewhere!

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

New 'Man of Steel' poster reveals Superman's dark side

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A brand new poster has been released for the next Superman movie, 'Man of Steel', due for release in the UK 14th June next year. It looks as though this new adventure will follow in the footsteps of The Dark Knight Rises and delve deeper into the 'darker side' of the character, as he's seen being escorted from his local Aldi after having been spotted using his ability to move faster than the speed of light to sneak past the tills without paying for his groceries.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Review: Motherfucking End of fucking Watch motherfuckers

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 Warning, negro: There are a few motherfucking spoilers in this review! 

End of Watch is a very manly movie, complete with a strong bromance, guns, gun fights, an absurd amount of shaky-cam, heavy use of the word 'motherfucker' (among some others), gangsters and of course, sexy ladies. But it takes us chaps down a route that's not so macho after all, one that encourages us to shed a tear or two and maybe even hold on to our heterosexual friends' hand, petrified that something horrific might happen to our two favourite penis-wielding policemen, Brian Taylor (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Mike Zavala (Michael Pena).

Monday, 19 November 2012

Review: The Master is a mystery

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 Warning: Mild spoilers contained within... 

Who else went in to see The Master expecting to officially have their minds well and truly blown? Who expected intense character-driven drama and intricate storytelling? Who felt a little short-changed? Sure, all the vital 'Paul Thomas Anderson' ingredients are there, but it seems they've not been mixed and merged together as well as we might have hoped. More than anything, the film's a bit of a mystery. It's very long, brilliantly acted, but ultimately not really worth the effort. There's a point in there though, somewhere.

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Shopping List November 2012 - 007, robots & rings

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We're smack bang in the middle of November and we've spent the past few weeks hearing a never ending bombardment of explosives being let off outside our bedroom windows. Now, we're all coming to terms with the fact that, despite there already being Christmas lights everywhere you turn, November is very much our last month of freedom from the panic of gift-buying and our final paycheck before the big day. So, before society goes batshit, chucking their money at Apple for a phone they've already got, putting trees in their front rooms and pretty much robbing Comet, why not prepare yourself with HCTV's shopping list? What follows is a list of 10 ideas for great gifts or, indeed, some little somethings to treat yourself with.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Review: Argo fuck yourself

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 Ù‡Ø´Ø¯Ø§Ø±: خوانده شده بعد از اینکه شما تماشا 

Argo packs one hell of a punch, leaving you feeling tense for hours after it's finished - a strong cast and perfect pacing ensures a nail-biting journey, but even though we're informed at the start of the film that it's based off true events (no The Imposter-style misunderstandings this time round!), it's often quite tricky to tell how much of the action has been dramatised for the sake of nudging us closer and closer to the edge of our seats. The question is, of course, who gives a shit, really? It's a fine piece of cinema that opens your eyes, forces you to confront a scary world and offers a chuckle or two along the way - even if it's a little over the top.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Podcast #11 - Thank you very much

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Kate Middleton's blurry boobs, Adele's Skyfall, pine furniture, hospital radio, Prince (and a cat with one too many ribs), Darius, Sideshow Bob and most importantly - Elvis. It's all here, in the awesome 11th HCTV podcast!

There are some extra special treats in this podcast too! You'll get to hear an advert from many years ago when Roo was doing some work experience at his local radio station (Maidstone's CTR) as well as a ton of hilarious (yet awful) impressions of various celebrities. Roo & Will settle an old score, too, as they come to terms with how a certain cartoon villain is mumbling.

Sharing the HCTV podcasts with your chums and if you want us to talk about something specific make sure you leave a comment here or twat us!

Thursday, 1 November 2012

What will Disney do with Star Wars?

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Disney have only gone and got their grubby little hands on the Star Wars franchise, but what the hell are they planning to do with it? Squeeze it for all it's worth - that's what! Surely their first thoughts have been merchandise-related - stacks of new lunchboxes, talking action figures, trading cards, teddy bears, toilet seats, etc - but come 2015 they'll have to deliver the new movie they've promised everyone. Episode 7. But the question is, will it be more Jar Jar than Yoda? More Maul than Vadar? More green screen than actually surprisingly good visual effects considering when they were done? Only time (and space!) will tell...

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Podcast #10 - What not to eat in the cinema

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Have you ever been to the cinema and ended up sat next to someone who's eating loud or smelly food? In that case you'll relate to what Roo and Will are babbling on about in HCTV's fantastic 10th podcast! Find out how much salt is in YOUR sandwhich! Find out what happened when a bearded Roo tried to buy The Cabin In The Woods on Blu-ray in Tesco! And, find out which party foods are penis-shaped! It's all here, so get listening!

Our podcasts are available on iTunes, so tap in 'hellocaketv' next time you're searching for something fun to download and up we'll pop. If you'd rather listen to number 10 here, click play below, or browse the lot on our Podomatic page. We'll keep you posted on our progress in the charts on Facebook, so be sure to click 'like'! Thanks to everyone who's been downloading, especially those of you who have been sharing our shizzle amongst your friends!

Sunday, 28 October 2012

Review: M's the Bond girl in 'Skyfall'

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James Bond is back, showing The Bourne Legacy how a motorbike chase should be done and, arguably, better than ever. Skyfall is definitely a Bondgasm - it's 'classic Bond meets new Bond' and misery guts Daniel Craig seems to have a lot more fun as 007 in his third outing than in any of his others. With M by his side, he embarks on a surprisingly personal and visually jizz-worthy adventure set mostly right here in the UK. Get set for shots of Big Ben, tube crashes and an awful lot of the word 'bloody'.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

How long from iPod to iRobot?

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Most smart-phone savvy consumers were unimpressed with Apple's latest iPhone - the iPhone 5. Let's be honest, we all expected something a bit more creative, especially since Samsung are quickly catching up in terms of popularity and inventiveness. Some might say everybody needs to shut up and remember we were all playing snake in black and white on a Nokia 3210 little more than 10 years ago, but while bearing that in mind remember that, very soon, we're going to need something really quite big to happen technologically if we're to be in the same shoes as Will Smith in i, Robot (hopefully minus all the death and destruction) come the year 2035.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Podcast #9 - Now Then Now Then

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Brace yourselves for HCTV's 9th podcast! What starts off as a discussion over a certain shoddy science fiction movie and whether or not Will's iPhone case looks ridiculous turns into one about celebrity monsters Jimmy Savile & and his best bud, Garry Glitter. With brand new allegations coming in from all angles the BBC are squirming and Will's news apps are getting bombarded with updates!

Also, we've got some great news for all you iPod and iPad and iThis and iThat users out there! All of HCTV's podcasts can now be found on iTunes and synced directly to your device! So now it's even simpler to have a giggle with your favourite internet crushes, Roo and Will! Please rate us (with five juicey stars) and tell your chums! Follow HCTV on Twitter & find us on Facebook to suggest ideas for what you'd like us to blab on about in the future! Your loyal ear-holes are much appreciated, so let us know who you are so we can put a face to our feelings of love and devotion!


Monday, 22 October 2012

Review: Kids seeing Frankenweenie need Parental Guidance

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 Warning: Spoilers - in black & white. 

Frankenweenie is supposed to be a spooky black and white cartoon caper for kids that'd probably have looked a lot nicer in colour and would be better suited shoved into the schedules on Nickleodeon. There's very little here that's cinema worthy - it's short on laughs, lacking a nifty story arc and it's all very one-dimensional (which is ironic considering it's been released in 3D). Victor's parents are the most neglectful to have ever been animated, but as a member of the audience you'll feel just as neglected as their morbid son.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Review: Ruby Sparks is magical but mostly human

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  Warning: The following spoilers are not fiction. 

Ruby Sparks does cinematic magic the way it's done best - it puts us in the same confusion-filled boat as our lead character, once famous but now struggling writer Calvin Weir-Field. He has no idea how the ginger-haired and quite fanciable lady-character he's been writing about has suddenly become real, walking around in his flat, making eggs and claiming to be his girlfriend - and neither do we! He's fallen desperately in love with her while dreaming her up and writing her down, but can he love her now she's turned up in his reality? The answer is yes. At least, for a while anyway. Even as the tale begins to take on a sinister turn of events it always remembers that something magical on screen tends to have more of a hold on its audience when true, believable emotions get tied up in the chaos.

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Podcast #8 - It doesn't matter if you Trick or Treat

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Join Roo & Will for a DVD quiz, testing your knowledge of movie blurbs, before moving onto a discussion about Halloween and the movies that generally go hand in hand with the special spooky day. 

How do you deal with trick or treaters? Can they speak properly? Who is Professor Green? What are our thoughts on Michael Jackson and his many whacky adventures? All these questions will be answered in this, HCTV's 8th amazing podcast!

Find all the previous episodes by visiting HCTV's Podcomatic page here, or you can click the logo on the right hand side of the blog whenever you fancy popping back for some more. Be sure to subscribe with iTunes so that it's on you iPod for those horrendous journey's into work!


More Misfits

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The new soggy Misfits teasers from E4 show that there's still a lot of life left in the British superhero comedy/drama. After the previous batch of, let's be honest, hit and miss episodes we've been left hanging - Alisha & Simon's timey wimey tale finally came to a close in epic style which saw the two of them bow out. Who will fill their shoes? That'll be Jess and Finn. The two newcomers will be introduced to the gang along with what seems to be a brand new storm, which will no doubt bring about a fresh collection of powers and yet more whacky adventures.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

Mr Stream's delicious combo - 'Space, Snakes & Sonic'

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That's a high scoring Tony Hawk's-style combo, by the way. If you've never heard of Mr Stream before now you're certainly in for a big surprise, especially if you enjoy some funky music once in a while, as well as a go on some classic Sonic the Hedgehog games. He's said that he "woke up one day and thought 'why not remix some videogame tunes?'" - he hasn't slept since, producing a ridiculously ear-gasm worthy back catalogue of head-boppingly brilliant remixed tracks, most of which are Sonic-themed.

Have a listen to his latest, and apparently final release (quick - someone start a petition or something!), which brings together three of your favourite things: Farscape, Metal Gear Solid and of course, Sonic the freakin' Hedgehog. You'll wonder if you've died and gone to heaven. Truth is, you'll have messed your pants and your ear drums will have burst because the volume's up and it's set to repeat. Pop it on your iPod, right next to the HCTV Podcasts!

Thursday, 11 October 2012

'Partysaurus Rex' brings us one step closer to Toy Story 4?

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Waiting for something new to do with Toy Story to be released is always a nerve-wracking experience, mainly because the third film was 'officially' the last and not a single person on the face of the planet wants anything as awful as Cars 2 to happen to our beloved pieces of CGI plastic - Buzz, Woddy & chums! Yet here we are - a third Toy Story short down the line from the folks at Disney Pixar and everything's fine. Quite fun, in fact. Have a chuckle as Rex makes friends with some hardcore bath toys! The whole thing can be found after the jump...

Monday, 8 October 2012

Podcast #7 - 3D pigeons, OAPs, one boob & the Titanic

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Here comes yet another fabulously free podcast from Roo & Will for HCTV - the 7th so far, in fact! You can find the back catalogue on our Podomatic page by clicking here, or by using the link in the side bar! Be sure to 'subscribe with iTunes' too so that it's all synced perfectly with your iPod! Never again will you have to sit or stand in silence and looking sad on the way to work - with HCTV's podcasts you'll be laughing all the way!

This time around you'll find out if Will has the time and the money to visit the biggest screens cinema has to offer, if Titanic makes us feel old, how many boobs you're allowed in a 12A and whether or not it's best to buy a box set. And, here's a fun little game: A many number of ambulances pass during the recording of this podcast, so tell us on Twitter how many you heard!


Review: Enjoy Sinister's spooks while they last

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  Warning: A terrifying number of spoilers lurk below! 

Sinister does a fabulous job at setting the scene, switching the lights off and putting us through several nights of sheer hell. A strange soundtrack adds to the suspense as we watch tech-savvy Ellison Oswalt piece together facts and figures from creepily grainy footage of gruesome deaths. It's just that, as with almost every single spooky or ghost-orientated film that's been made in the past couple of decades, the ending is not as scary as it thinks it is and actually sort of ruins all the good stuff that comes before - and it is really very good stuff.

Friday, 5 October 2012

Hold your breath & count to ten...

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Here it is - the new Bond theme from Adele doing her best 'Shirley Bassey' to the sound of sexy trumpety music! It's very Bond - a return to form.


Epic and classy seems to be the overall verdict. There are however folks out there who disagree, having stated that the track sent them to sleep - but who bets they had some fucking exciting dreams as a result!?

Shopping List October 2012 - Cabins, aliens & hedgehogs

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October is a scary month for many reasons - Halloween is in it, the nights get darker quicker and it's the closest month to Christmas so far this year. But put all the fear out of your mind for a moment and look on the bright side! October is the start of winter coats, hot drinks, fairy lights and cosying up to fireplaces. If SAD is starting to get you down, why not pop out to the shops or spend some dosh online - here's everything you could possibly desire 'til November! (Be sure to have a look at last month's list too!)

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Podcast #6 - Thorpe Park

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It's that time again! Roo & Will have put together another brand new podcast for you to listen to whenever you're on your way to work, cleaning the house, using the toilet, doing the ironing, cooking, eating, reading, cycling, bowling, painting, shaving, fishing or having sex!

This week there's a big question, and it's 'where exactly can you wear your contact lenses'? Can you be flung about at Thorpe Park and keep hold of them? Roo & Will crack open a bag of Twiglets to discuss the matter as well as many other issues to do with the UK's biggest thrill - Thorpe Park. Dodgy nuts and bolts, men in fleeces and snake queues. Click play below or go and have a butcher's at the previous installments by clicking on the link in the sidebar that'll take you to HCTV's Podomatic page!


Monday, 1 October 2012

Review: Doctor Who - 'The Angels shit on Manhattan'

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 Warning: Shut your eyes or you'll see spoilers! No, wait! Don't! 

The Angels are not what creates the sinister feelings in this episode. The sense of impending doom comes from the way in which it is written, directed and acted. Compare this to the previous four episodes and ask yourself if you even needed to watch any of them? This is what it's all about. Yes, there's a whole load of paradox crap and timey wimey nonsense, but that's just something we have to accept is a part of the Moffat-driven era. The vibe here is what we want more of - the darkness, difficult choices and the Doctor's emotions and mistakes at the forefront of all that's going on, rather than his hilarious jokes and ability to run through corridors at lightning speed. Moody Doctor Who is best.

Sunday, 30 September 2012

Review: Looper isn't as loopy as you might expect

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Time travel. Any writer daring to dabble in this department has their work cut out for them. Every action has a reaction, and so on and so forth. So, when reactions to things start happening before the actions that cause them, well - you get the picture. Looper is full of these sorts of moments and they're moments that wouldn't make sense anywhere else, moments that'd have you chucking popcorn at the screen in utter frustration. But here, it's more of a 'no questions asked' affair. The film doesn't promise any answers to the questions we might have and it never tries to guess what we're thinking. It gives us just as much info as we need to understand the story rather than the science because, after all, everybody knows a good story makes a fab movie.

Friday, 28 September 2012

Misremembered TV & Movie Quotes - Vol. 3

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Have you ever been enjoying a film or TV show and heard a wonderful line of dialogue you thought you'd never forget? Did you then forget said wonderful line of dialogue the very next day? Don't fear! HCTV is here to fill in the gaps, building a list that's growing longer every month of those quotes you wish you'd written down! Don't forget to check out the first and second collection too!


There's more after the jump...

Thursday, 27 September 2012

Review: Doctor Who - 'The Power of BBC Three'

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 Warning: Spoilers ahead. Read them rather than watching the ep, honestly.  

To be fair, this ep would've probably gotten a full five stars if those hilarious little orange aliens from the old BBC Three idents had shown up instead of those boring black cubes that promised much more of a mystery than they delivered.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Review: Hope Springs gets harder than it looks...

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Hope Springs is a bit like The Five Year Engagement, yet completely different. They're both about couples facing serious problems with their relationships. One couple wants to get married and the other one has been married for over thirty years. With both, you sit in the cinema expecting more of a comedy than you get, because it slowly reveals itself as more of an emotionally heavy, tear-inducing, armrest-clenching drama than a quirky little romcom. One, however, delves even deeper than the other...

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Shouldn't have gone to Specsavers

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The following video will have you learning why movie-goers need to ensure they get the correct prescription for their glasses! We've got to wear two pairs and feel like we're in the science labs at school whenever we see a 3D movie - so we may as well do it right! Specsavers is not the place to go if you're after things that are done right, here's why...

 

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Bilbo's 'Unexpected Journey' gets a new trailer

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Are you a humungous fan of The Lord Of The Rings? Your pants are most likely already damp at the sight of Bilbo's name, but wait for this next sentence! He's at the centre of a brand new movie (based on a really old book) called 'The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey', telling the story of whacky adventures he's had with Gandalf, Golum and a bunch of dwarves. And, there's a new trailer - you can catch it by clicking 'read more'!

Monday, 17 September 2012

Podcast #5 - Jeremy Kyle, Dexter & Batman

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Ready for another podcast? Roo & Will take to the mic a fifth time to talk about appearing on Trisha, how she compares to Jeremy Kyle and how Bane & Batman might sound if they were to sit down and have a chat about such things. Christmas is also discussed, so are aunties with wooden puzzles, Dexter, Saw and Goodnight Mr Tom! Liven up a journey to work by downloading podcast number five, or by subscribing via iTunes on HCTV's Podomatic page.

Be sure to leave a comment - tell us what your favourite bits are and what you'd like to hear debated in future podcasts. On top of that, share them amongst your friends on Twitter, you may even be rewarded! (Note - rewards will not include light sexual favors.) Follow @hellocaketv while you're at it.

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Questions & answers

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Do we really need all the answers? Heaps of those who watched and enjoyed Lost were left bitterly disappointed by the end of the 6th season's finale when a good 99% of the whacky goings on upon the island weren't properly explained. And, most recently, Prometheus caused a stir by asking far too many questions about the origins of existence itself and making zero effort to answer any of them at all.

Review: Doctor Who - 'A Town Called Mercy'...

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... and a horse called Susane.

 Warning: Neigh! Neigh! Neigh! (That's a spoiler warning in 'horse'...)  

Looks like Steven Moffat's shown us some mercy! At long last! An episode of Doctor Who that's ridiculously brilliant, almost beyond measure. Completely perfect. Nothing wrong with it whatsoever - five stars. Well, almost. Nearly. No, sorry, not at all. In an ideal world, maybe, but this - it's bearable and that makes a most welcome change. Instead of legging it through narrow spaces as he'd usually be doing on a Saturday night, the Doctor seems to take a breather, have a few conversations and save a town, rather than the entire universe. Nice.

Friday, 14 September 2012

The Spider-man DVD competition winner is...

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Good lord, we have a winner! Congrats to Craig McFadyen - he's won HCTV's super-special birthday competition!


As you may recall, back when it was HCTV's 5th birthday, a competition was launched and it was decided that the winner would get a Spider-man DVD box set, as well as a nifty little HCTV badge, on Friday 14th September 2012 - that's today! All everyone had to do was click 'like' on HCTV's Facebook page, and it feels fabulous to report that we had a very pleasant response - but the competition is now well and truly closed. So tough luck if you missed out!

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Review: Doctor Who - 'Riding Dinosaurs on a Spaceship'

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 Warning: Spoilers here, to the sound of trumpety music. 

Doctor Who's answer to Jurassic Park is an episode filled with dinosaurs and spaceships and it should be brilliant. This, this is just awful.

Honest to god - can anybody fathom why there needs to be such a constant flow of comedic, bouncy music running through the entire episode? Again - it should be fine, it should just be a right laugh and a heap of fun  - nothing wrong with that - but it doesn't sit right. Not one bit. There's every opportunity here to create a serious science fiction show that has a sense of humour - simple. The problem with Doctor Who is that it's 90% pantomime and 10% making up for the lack of genuine drama with childish slapstick and melodramatics. For exaxmple, the two robots that feature in this episode are quite entertaining, like something from Hitchiker's Guide, but was there any room for them? Did they ever really have a purpose, or a chance to shine, or were they simply squeezed in because Doctor Who's got to be so fucking hilarious these days? Quit it with the comedy act!

Monday, 10 September 2012

Podcast #4 - Olympics Vs Paralympics

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It's all over ladies and gents! We never thought it would be, but finally the Olympics, the Paralympics, the whole lot - finished. It's been an emotional rollercoaster for everybody involved and one that's been truly splendid for us to watch unfold on our televisions. We'll surely tell our grandchildren about how lucky we were to be around when it happened... But, which is better? The Olympics or the Paralympics? There's only one way to find out!

After a few weeks of radio silence, Roo & Will return to discuss why the Olympics seems to get slightly more attention than the Paralympics, among plenty of other interesting topics such as wank banks, flags, stabbings, strange noises and what there is to do on Christmas day. Fascinating stuff as usual! Tune in via the player below, or go here to subscribe with iTunes!


Sunday, 9 September 2012

Review: Lawless is bloody brilliant

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 Warning: One or two gunslinging spoilers lay ahead! 

Lawless is a wildly intense and frighteningly brutal gangster film adaptation of Matt Bondurant's book, 'The Wettest County in the World', and they're both based on a true story - which is a bit scary! It's crammed with a whole bunch of truly top notch actors who stroll about doing a lot of killing because there's some chaps bootlegging liquor who shouldn't be! That'll be Forrest, Howard and Jack - they're in big trouble pretty much from start to finish, because some posh git off the Titanic really, quite desperately, wants to shoot them in the face - this man is Special Agent Charlie Rakes, and he's had a terrible temper ever since someone stole the middle of his hair.

Friday, 7 September 2012

Will Albert Square give 'Chryed' a happy ending?

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Big soapy gays Syed & Christian are due to leave the happy world of Walford later this year, it has been revealed - but will they be leaving together, or in seperate black cabs after half an hour of shouting and crying? Only time will tell.

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Shopping List September 2012 - Dexter, Daleks & Daley

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September's already here and we're ferociously hurtling our way towards Christmas day faster than we'd like. Pay day's just been and we've only a short while left to spend money on ourselves before we need to start splashing out on everyone around us. What's worth buying, then? Here's 10 TV and film-related bits and bobs you need in your shopping basket...

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Review: "Oh shit!" It's Total Recall!

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 Warning: Some very real, very true spoilers included, no lie. 

Total Recall is one of those films that thinks it's totally cool, dude, but isn't - *cough*Battleship*cough* - it's a lens flare fest of giant proportions, a relentless bombardment of CGI and cringe worthy dialogue. No matter how many ladies' boobs it cheekily shoves in your face, it's impossible to see past the fact it's got a few more than three flaws.

Saturday, 1 September 2012

Review: Doctor Who - 'Eggsylum of the Daleks'

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  Warning: SPOIL - ERS! SPOIL - ERS! 

The Daleks, at one point in the history of Doctor Who, were actually quite scary. Then, they got into a horrible pattern where they're killed by the Doctor, all of them, every last one of them - and then, a few episodes later, they all come back to life and the Doctor kills them all again. And again. And again. And we're bored. And again. And they're not scary any more - fact. So much so that Karen Gillan (Amy Pond) admits she's "never been completely scared of the Daleks," and showrunner Steven Moffat says "there's a slight danger with the Daleks that you might start to think they're cute." And, regarding the show's 7th season opening episode, he said he's successfully made them "scary again", "properly vicious" - which is a bit rich considering we are treated to hearing a Dalek with a girls voice, crying a little bit.

Thursday, 30 August 2012

Metal Gear Solid will finally become a movie

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It's been a long time coming but at last the stealthy CGI world of Solid Snake and chums will make it to the big screen! A film version was announced at the 25th anniversary event in Tokyo and Avi Arad has already signed up! It's actually going to happen! It's actually becoming a thing! How cool is that?! Let's put on our fanciest camouflage and celebrate!

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Review: The Imposter is real & scarily dull

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 Warning: There may be a few spoilers ahead, can you identify them? 

The Imposter is based on a true story. Stranger than fiction yadda yadda yadda. I, personally, went into the movie theatre under the impression it was one of those fancy fake-umentaries, and it didn't do the greatest job of convincing me it wasn't. It's repetitive, drawn out, has an incredibly uninteresting middle section and, despite a few rather sinister twists, leaves you in the same place you were when you sat your ass down to watch it in the first place.

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Competition: WIN Tobey Maguire's Spider-man boxset!

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No, you numpty - not Toby Maguire's own personal copy (although that'd be a far more attractive prize).



HCTV is half way to 10 years! Wowza. And, to celebrate such a skull shatteringly exciting event, we've already released some old pictures of how the website’s looked over the years, but that’s not all! This bit is a competition - yes! A chance to win something splendid that involves next to no effort on your part whatsoever! HCTV has the original Tobey Maguire-filled Spider-man trilogy on Blu-ray and a badge that says ‘I ♥ HELLOCAKETV’ on it – and it’s all up for grabs! Simply like the HCTV Facebook page before Friday 14th September and you’re automatically in with a chance of winning!

Monday, 27 August 2012

The Doc's 54 seconds of 'Pond Life'

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Watch the first episode of a Doctor Who online-only miniseries entitled 'Pond Life' after the jump, in which the Doctor does his usual 'running about as if he's in a comedy' routine. That, and quite frankly absurd activities that'd kill a character in any other sci-fi with half a brain, such as surfing - wait for it - on fire. Yes.

HCTV is 5

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HCTV has been around for five entire years. That's a ruddy long time!


"How come this blog only dates back to 2011?!" - now that's easy! HCTV's been on the face of the planet for five years and since it first rocketed into existence in 2007 as a mere video blog, it's changed an awful lot. It started on Youtube, gradually building more and more of an audience and, as this happened, it became clear that the channel needed to offer more than just Roo's boring old face - so sketches started happening and movie reviews and pretty much anything that meant it was all a lot more exciting for everyone! As a result, Youtube decided HCTV's content was too cunting 'edgy' for its innocent little eyes and everything was wiped. Roo swore never to return. But, HCTV lived on, on it's own flashy website for a few years - splendid - until it needed to reach a bigger audience once again. So, Roo swallowed his pride and signed back up to Youtube. Then it became a blog about movie and TV stuff and the rest is fucking history.

Thursday, 23 August 2012

Eastenders spin-off could be new British sitcom?

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New ideas for sitcoms are dreamed up every year, but very few of them capture the nation's imagination. However, there's something different about the next brilliant sitcom to come from us Brits (potentially). It's an Eastenders spin-off called 'Off the Rails!'... Maybe.



Is this a fab idea or is this a fab idea? Ian could end up on the streets once more, grow another beard and constantly talk about his once thriving empire to a drugged up Phil Mitchell, who's presumably managed to escape some sort of high security prison. He's on the run, blamed for a murder he didn't commit - for once! As a result, we get to see him dress up in all sorts of hilarious disguises! The possibilities here are endless!

Monday, 20 August 2012

Podcast #3 - Advertising

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How would you advertise HCTV? That's one of the many advertising-related topics discussed in HCTV's 3rd exciting podcast, complete with new theme tune! Is advertising, in general, too politically correct? Do you feel special when you buy a snack from KFC? Which is the most irritating cheese-related rhyming advert? Find the answers below! Click play or go to HCTV's Podomatic page to subscribe with iTunes!