Review: Kids seeing Frankenweenie need Parental Guidance

 Warning: Spoilers - in black & white. 

Frankenweenie is supposed to be a spooky black and white cartoon caper for kids that'd probably have looked a lot nicer in colour and would be better suited shoved into the schedules on Nickleodeon. There's very little here that's cinema worthy - it's short on laughs, lacking a nifty story arc and it's all very one-dimensional (which is ironic considering it's been released in 3D). Victor's parents are the most neglectful to have ever been animated, but as a member of the audience you'll feel just as neglected as their morbid son.

Perhaps it should have been left as the 1984 short film. Perhaps you need to be a proper die hard Tim Burton fan to get the best out of it, masturbating over pictures of Jack Skellington. Or, more than likely, perhaps it's just a bit naff. There seems to be a strange idea floating about cinema-land that Tim Burton can do no wrong - well, here's the proof that he can.

Sparky doing what he does best - teaching kids to play with electricity.

The biggest issue with Frankenweenie is that it's aimed at kids and rated PG, teaching science that doesn't make any sense. It also teaches children that showing disrespect to dead bodies is absolutely fine and that they're expected not to flinch when a psychotic half cat-bat creature is speared to death. It's not very scary for adults but there are some moments sure to pop back into a child's mind when they're desperately trying to get to sleep, alone, in the dead of night. There's a huge number of wasted opportunities to teach kids valuable lessons that could actually make a lot of sense. Instead, they'll be left a tad confused about the meaning of life and death and how electricity is supposed to work.

Victor's dog, Sparky, is brought back to life with the help of a little lightening during a storm in a ridiculous science experiment and then re-charged, like a battery, in order to keep him plodding along for as long as possible. For some reason, when Victor's school friends attempt the same experiment on their dead pets (in a bid to win the science fair) they all turn into horrific mutations. There's an enormous tortoise, a big zombie-rat thing and a batch of psychotic sea monkeys to name just a few of the monstrosities running about Victor's home-town nearer the finish line. To completely spoil the end for you, the sea monkeys are killed using salt because of some nicely explained sciencey reason - that was pleasant. After that, you'd expect each of the monsters to be killed off in various other clever sciencey ways until it's announced all the children win the science fair because of their fabulous display of team work, saving the town! But, no. The rest of the monsters are put a stop to using more electricity and sadly, Sparky is also killed, again. Victor's dumbass Dad says 'sometimes parents don't know what they're talking about', referring to when he told Victor he had to try and let dead-Sparky go (a sound piece of advice) and the whole town uses electricity from their cars to bring Sparky back from the dead... again. All the while, you're sat their thinking, "Leave the poor mut alone - let him fucking die! He's exhausted!"

"Why does this movie feel as long as my face?!"

Victor's parents remain pretty much clueless over their son's sinister behaviour for the majority of the film but then turn out to be absolutely fine with letting him play god and toy with the life and death of his dog just to get what he wants. The potential villain never really turns into a villain and instead stays as just the 'fat guy' right the way to the end. The creepy science teacher comes and goes and serves no real purpose and we never even find out who wins the science fair! Nothing is learned and all the characters are so 'characterless' - it's difficult to give a shit about who's dying! Not a single element of the story comes back round from the beginning making you go 'ooooh, that's cool!' - it all just happens.

Frankenweenie is a bland-looking waste of time that'll confuse your offspring. Steer clear.

★★☆☆☆

 Roo