Warning: Spoilers, you fools!
It's not that it's too long - nearly three hours worth of storytelling is perfectly acceptable for a good movie - it's that it quite simply hasn't got enough stuff to fill such a big gap. So, instead, it pads itself out with long lingering looks or dwarves singing or slow-mo fight scenes or shots of mountains... You see, The Hobbit is a short book really, compared to The Lord Of The Rings, and it's a 'small-scale' story. There's plenty here that would be cut if the plan was a two-film tale as opposed to the trilogy we've got ahead of us - and it'd be cut because it's no good. It's filler, not killer. Dull. Maybe it worked in the book but on the screen it's just there because it is. But, somewhere in there, there's a few bits and pieces that make you go all wibbly inside and remind us why LOTR was such fun!
It's a comedy, to begin with. Martin Freeman as Bilbo Baggins is stuck in his Hobbit hole with a bunch of dwarves he's never met before and they're eating all his food. This goes on for around an hour. The joke's on us! But bear with it and sooner or later you'll get out that front door, away from The Shire and into the meat of the story.
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| "We wants to watch something different now precious." |
Gandalf's as old, wise and grey as he was before (or after), and it has to be said - he really is one of the vital ingredients here. It'd be difficult to imagine The Hobbit being very appealing at all without Sir Ian McKellen back beneath his wizard's hat. Andy Serkis, as Gollum, gets to spend a considerable while onscreen as well and although everything he does is fabulously entertaining to watch, again, you can definitely feel that his portion of the film is only as long as it is because there's fuck all else to fill the gap. It's certainly never a brilliant idea to rush your audience through a story, but it's also important to ensure they remain interested. Bilbo's encounter with Gollum offers very little to the overall arc of 'An Unexpected Journey', which is frustrating because, without having read the book (which will take a lot less time than waiting for and then watching all three finished movies - and cost a lot less too!) it's tricky to fathom how much of an important role Gollum and 'the one ring' have to play in the grand scheme of all things 'The Hobbit'. In fact, it's not very easy to figure out if anything of much importance will ever happen. The Lord Of The Rings was about saving the world, destroying evil, so on and so forth, whereas The Hobbit seems to be all about stealing some gold and getting out the house.
Everybody speaks in 'infodump'. All anybody does in Middle Earth is explain why things are happening to each other, or why things have happened in the past and who was involved and why they were involved or even what things may or may not happen in the future and what it'll cost them, or what it may not cost them - and the potential repercussions. At one point in 'elf-land' some of the most important and cleverest characters are gathered around a table having a bit of a debate, but it doesn't come off that way. The entire scene is an excuse to tell us what in the name of Jesus is going on and why we're supposed to give a shit. The problem is, however, you'll either use it as an opportunity to pop out and use the lav or to simply glaze over, because it's just a bunch of never ending words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words - see! You glazed over!
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| "Do you... Er, do you come here often?" |
Nonetheless, the adventure continues and the characters accidentally save the day a couple of times because, let's face it, nobody has a sodding plan. When faced with a pack of angry wolf creatures, they all climb up a tree, which falls into another tree and dangles off a cliff. Nobody has a fucking clue what to do and they're all as good as dead. But Gandalf has his own secret plan, whispering to butterflies which go and bring him back a bunch of eagles that rescue everyone and then plonk them down on a jagged rock in the middle of nowhere. "Thanks eagles!" everyone's thinking... But hang on a second. They've flown you somewhere useless and you didn't even know they were coming. Why don't you have any questions?! Why is nobody commenting on how shitting lucky it was that all these random fucking eagles decided to come along and save their poxy lives?! But this kind of crap is just a part of The Lord Of The Rings you have to accept - in much the same way The Doctor's sonic screwdriver could do the dishes if he wanted it to. And that leads us on to our next point - The Lord Of The Rings, and the fact that The Hobbit isn't The Lord Of The Rings and pales in comparison to 'The Fellowship Of The Ring'. It's important you watch the film with this in mind, especially while it keeps trying to recreate the 'magic' of the original trilogy by getting Gandalf to shout "You fools!" for the sake of it and having Bilbo fall backwards and catch the one ring on his finger, turning him invisible. Haven't we seen this before? Stop it with the little nods and get on with The Hobbit, especially since The Lord Of The Rings hasn't even happened yet! Jeez.
And why in the name of tits on a stick would rocks want to fight each other!? - Filler! That's why!
★★★☆☆
Roo