Review: Doctor Who - 'The abominable Snowmen'

 Warning: There is very little to spoil. 

After a shockingly naff batch of episodes last year, the Doctor Who christmas special held the promise of new adventures and a new companion, perhaps a new vibe and even a new Tardis! No more poxy Ponds - maybe it could be a new lease of life for the show! An opportunity to stop fucking up, once and for all! But no, as it turns out, it was the usual mess with added shoddy CGI snowmen - another episode that's ultimately utterly pointless, a waste of an hour of your life where the day is saved in a completely illogical way harking back to when an enormous Cyberman blew itself up because it realised it was a Cyberman.

Kat Slater's secret lover REVEALED!

Digital Spy has told us that "EastEnders favourite Alfie Moon is left devastated... as the reveal of Kat's mystery lover proves to be the final straw for his troubled marriage." And it's no wonder really, as the reason she's been so secretive over the true identity of the bloke she's been banging is because the bloke is actually a lady and the lady is actually her barmaid, Tracy! In much the same way her long forgotten daughter Zoe did, she's been dabbling in the lesbian arena - and now it's time for her to come clean. And it's all just in time for Christmas!

Shopping List December 2012 - Five gifts you want for Xmas

Christmas is right around the corner and children everywhere are ready to burst with excitement at the thought of unwrapping an iPhone 5, Wii U or 3D TV on the big day. Sucks, doesn't it, how the magic has been torn from the festive season. Since when did all a child care about become the latest electrical gadgets, Furbys and Doctor Who? What happened to teddy bears, board games and wearing silly hats? Never mind. What follows is a list of five fab gift ideas the child inside all us geeky adults really wishes for come the 25th (if we survive that long)!

Podcast #9 - Now Then Now Then

Brace yourselves for HCTV's 9th podcast! What starts off as a discussion over a certain shoddy science fiction movie and whether or not Will's iPhone case looks ridiculous turns into one about celebrity monsters Jimmy Savile & and his best bud, Garry Glitter. With brand new allegations coming in from all angles the BBC are squirming and Will's news apps are getting bombarded with updates!

Also, we've got some great news for all you iPod and iPad and iThis and iThat users out there! All of HCTV's podcasts can now be found on iTunes and synced directly to your device! So now it's even simpler to have a giggle with your favourite internet crushes, Roo and Will! Please rate us (with five juicey stars) and tell your chums! Follow HCTV on Twitter & find us on Facebook to suggest ideas for what you'd like us to blab on about in the future! Your loyal ear-holes are much appreciated, so let us know who you are so we can put a face to our feelings of love and devotion!

Review: Doctor Who - 'The Angels shit on Manhattan'

 Warning: Shut your eyes or you'll see spoilers! No, wait! Don't! 

The Angels are not what creates the sinister feelings in this episode. The sense of impending doom comes from the way in which it is written, directed and acted. Compare this to the previous four episodes and ask yourself if you even needed to watch any of them? This is what it's all about. Yes, there's a whole load of paradox crap and timey wimey nonsense, but that's just something we have to accept is a part of the Moffat-driven era. The vibe here is what we want more of - the darkness, difficult choices and the Doctor's emotions and mistakes at the forefront of all that's going on, rather than his hilarious jokes and ability to run through corridors at lightning speed. Moody Doctor Who is best.

Review: Doctor Who - 'The Power of BBC Three'

 Warning: Spoilers ahead. Read them rather than watching the ep, honestly.  

To be fair, this ep would've probably gotten a full five stars if those hilarious little orange aliens from the old BBC Three idents had shown up instead of those boring black cubes that promised much more of a mystery than they delivered.

Review: Doctor Who - 'A Town Called Mercy'...

... and a horse called Susane.

 Warning: Neigh! Neigh! Neigh! (That's a spoiler warning in 'horse'...)  

Looks like Steven Moffat's shown us some mercy! At long last! An episode of Doctor Who that's ridiculously brilliant, almost beyond measure. Completely perfect. Nothing wrong with it whatsoever - five stars. Well, almost. Nearly. No, sorry, not at all. In an ideal world, maybe, but this - it's bearable and that makes a most welcome change. Instead of legging it through narrow spaces as he'd usually be doing on a Saturday night, the Doctor seems to take a breather, have a few conversations and save a town, rather than the entire universe. Nice.

Review: Doctor Who - 'Riding Dinosaurs on a Spaceship'

 Warning: Spoilers here, to the sound of trumpety music. 

Doctor Who's answer to Jurassic Park is an episode filled with dinosaurs and spaceships and it should be brilliant. This, this is just awful.

Honest to god - can anybody fathom why there needs to be such a constant flow of comedic, bouncy music running through the entire episode? Again - it should be fine, it should just be a right laugh and a heap of fun  - nothing wrong with that - but it doesn't sit right. Not one bit. There's every opportunity here to create a serious science fiction show that has a sense of humour - simple. The problem with Doctor Who is that it's 90% pantomime and 10% making up for the lack of genuine drama with childish slapstick and melodramatics. For exaxmple, the two robots that feature in this episode are quite entertaining, like something from Hitchiker's Guide, but was there any room for them? Did they ever really have a purpose, or a chance to shine, or were they simply squeezed in because Doctor Who's got to be so fucking hilarious these days? Quit it with the comedy act!

Podcast #4 - Olympics Vs Paralympics

It's all over ladies and gents! We never thought it would be, but finally the Olympics, the Paralympics, the whole lot - finished. It's been an emotional rollercoaster for everybody involved and one that's been truly splendid for us to watch unfold on our televisions. We'll surely tell our grandchildren about how lucky we were to be around when it happened... But, which is better? The Olympics or the Paralympics? There's only one way to find out!

After a few weeks of radio silence, Roo & Will return to discuss why the Olympics seems to get slightly more attention than the Paralympics, among plenty of other interesting topics such as wank banks, flags, stabbings, strange noises and what there is to do on Christmas day. Fascinating stuff as usual! Tune in via the player below, or go here to subscribe with iTunes!

Will Albert Square give 'Chryed' a happy ending?

Big soapy gays Syed & Christian are due to leave the happy world of Walford later this year, it has been revealed - but will they be leaving together, or in seperate black cabs after half an hour of shouting and crying? Only time will tell.

Review: Doctor Who - 'Eggsylum of the Daleks'

  Warning: SPOIL - ERS! SPOIL - ERS! 

The Daleks, at one point in the history of Doctor Who, were actually quite scary. Then, they got into a horrible pattern where they're killed by the Doctor, all of them, every last one of them - and then, a few episodes later, they all come back to life and the Doctor kills them all again. And again. And again. And we're bored. And again. And they're not scary any more - fact. So much so that Karen Gillan (Amy Pond) admits she's "never been completely scared of the Daleks," and showrunner Steven Moffat says "there's a slight danger with the Daleks that you might start to think they're cute." And, regarding the show's 7th season opening episode, he said he's successfully made them "scary again", "properly vicious" - which is a bit rich considering we are treated to hearing a Dalek with a girls voice, crying a little bit.

The Doc's 54 seconds of 'Pond Life'

Watch the first episode of a Doctor Who online-only miniseries entitled 'Pond Life' after the jump, in which the Doctor does his usual 'running about as if he's in a comedy' routine. That, and quite frankly absurd activities that'd kill a character in any other sci-fi with half a brain, such as surfing - wait for it - on fire. Yes.

Eastenders spin-off could be new British sitcom?

New ideas for sitcoms are dreamed up every year, but very few of them capture the nation's imagination. However, there's something different about the next brilliant sitcom to come from us Brits (potentially). It's an Eastenders spin-off called 'Off the Rails!'... Maybe.

Is this a fab idea or is this a fab idea? Ian could end up on the streets once more, grow another beard and constantly talk about his once thriving empire to a drugged up Phil Mitchell, who's presumably managed to escape some sort of high security prison. He's on the run, blamed for a murder he didn't commit - for once! As a result, we get to see him dress up in all sorts of hilarious disguises! The possibilities here are endless!

Doctor Who Season 7: Running through a corridor near you...

Doctor Who is terrible. Bloody awful. Really quite naff. Flooded with plot holes, inconsistencies and convenient moments that eliminate any feeling of genuine threat - if only it took itself a touch more seriously instead of running up and down corridors bellowing, "GERONIMO!" at every given opportunity. If it just had the courage to go through with storylines that are brave, risky and ultimately, shockingly original. The potential has always been there and sometimes the show gets remarkably close to reinventing itself, but, unfortunately, it always inevitably spirals back down into this weirdly revolting pool of shit and puss that roughly translates onto our TV screens as a man wearing a bow tie who always saves the day thanks to some bizare coincidence or by simply using his now all-purpose sonic scredriver that could destroy a planet if it wanted.

Ian (The White) heads back to Eastenders

Ian Beale's heading back to the wonderful world of Walford later this summer! We last saw him taking off in his pyjamas and, after suffering a nervous breakdown thanks to money troubles and things not going so well with his latest bimbo, he seems to have ended up homeless and trampy! So, to put a smile back on his face, he's decided to return to the one place he knows everyone's always having the time of their lives. East-fucking-enders.

Ben there, done that!

Ben Mitchell, the east end's most notorious homosexual psychopath, is capable of just about anything. That's a fact. He pushed lovely Glenda down the stairs and he managed to psychologically disturb his father, hard-man Phil Mitchell (and the rest of us) with secret messages and a stash of black envelopes. He even burned his little sister with a hot teaspoon in the style of the crazy psycho bitch who taught him how it's all done - Stella.

One less thing to smile about...

Pat Butcher is now dead and finally free of the never-ending whirlwind of misery that was her 'life' in Walford. Many fans are labelling her departure 'the end of an earring'... Which doesn't sound as nice out loud as it does in your brain.