Warning: There is very little to spoil.
After a shockingly naff batch of episodes last year, the Doctor Who christmas special held the promise of new adventures and a new companion, perhaps a new vibe and even a new Tardis! No more poxy Ponds - maybe it could be a new lease of life for the show! An opportunity to stop fucking up, once and for all! But no, as it turns out, it was the usual mess with added shoddy CGI snowmen - another episode that's ultimately utterly pointless, a waste of an hour of your life where the day is saved in a completely illogical way harking back to when an enormous Cyberman blew itself up because it realised it was a Cyberman.
Doctor Who is packed with this kind of bullshit. Back in Matt Smith's first run in with the Daleks, a character 'felt' an emotion which disarmed a bomb hidden inside him, which was counting down at the time rather than simply just blowing up instantly because the Daleks love adding a little suspense to their mass murdering! The Doctor has been 'imagined' back to life before too, for goodness sake! Why is everybody who tunes in so happy to accept these cheap tricks?! Write some proper drama where people actually die and things go wrong and people don't always have a magical screwdriver at hand that's sole purpose is to 'rescue everybody'! The problem with this episode along with all the others, again, is that the Doctor knows everything. He is this all-knowing, always right, always perfect guy who everybody in the show becomes obsessed with. Whereas, in reality, he'd be this weird loner with an awful lot of power who would still be discovering more of the universe every time he pops his head out of the Tardis door, and new things would still leap out at him and he wouldn't have all the answers so reaily available. He would cock up and he would feel bad about it for longer than 5 minutes at a time. To be fair though, he'd probably have been killed long ago because in reality, mate, your friends crying won't save you OR the universe!
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| Next year the Tardis should simply regenerate itself into a bottomless pit, freeing up an hour on Christmas day. |
Now, all the hatred aside, the Christmas special wasn't unwatchable. Its soundtrack was subtle for the most part - more twinkly and magical than the usual bombastic crap. It seemed to successfully build suspense. The Sontaran was a pleasant addition too, bringing with him comic value that was perfectly acceptable because that's who he is - all that nonsense was true to his character, and he and the Doctor made a fab little twosome. The whole thing, for a long time, was surprisingly wordy and 'thoughtful', and it felt as though it was actually trying to have a brain. There were some really nice lines and bits that came back around and made you go "ohhh!" - such as the memory-erasing worm critter. Splendid.
Of course, it all went tits up, as we know. The first inkling that there was more shit on the horizon was when the Doctor (who was supposed have secluded himself due to feelings of guilt, depression and/or loneliness) decided it'd be appreciated if he were to save a woman and some kids by 'making an entrance', putting on a silly voice and a Punch and Judy show for no apparent reason. Pathetic. Some innocent people were about to get brutally murdered by an ice monster and he plays with puppets for the sake of a 'heroic' element of surprise. What a dick.
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| The Doctor weighs up whether or not he should save their lives or do a puppet show... |
The Doctor and Clara seemed to have natural chemistry at first, but then we were hit with more of that ridiculous fast-paced 'jokey' scipting which sounds forced whoever it's with. One line immediately bouncing off another to music that's just as horrifically bouncy. Give us a break and have a proper conversation like at the start, please! Anyway, she dies, thank fuck, because she suffered a terrible fall from, well, almost space. She tumbled back to Earth and was then rested in a bed in her house, without a single bruise. Then she cried and saved the day - but still died. But she didn't. But she did. Ooo, a whole new series will surely explain what's going on here! But, here's what needs exaplaining - how and why she wasn't pulvarised by such a massive fall? We heard her body slam against the ground at full pelt. Surelty she'd have been a bundle of bones, if not a mucky blood stain up the garden fence. Again, reminiscent of when Russell T Davies was pissing all over the franchise and had David Tenant survive collapsing through a glass window from a space ship, face first into solid ground.
And, something else - the final point - the Doctor says that 'a whole family crying' on Christmas eve was so powerful, that it was that alone that destroyed the bad guys and saved the day. LOGICAL. There are of course a bazillion reasons why that is a turd of a solution to any problem in a TV show, science fiction or otherwise, but a whole family crying on Christmas eve was made out to be the worst thing that could possibly happen to anybody. To be fair, the world is a horrendous place and shit far worse than a group of people crying hits the fan day in and day out. If some pompous family shedding some tears is enough to save the universe, try whole countries doing it - try children dying of starvation and families being bombed to smithereens. Try rape and murder, and slaughter, try poverty and disease and real bloody suffering in places where nobody knows who in the name of fuck Santa is let alone the arsing Doctor. But no, you prance about with Dinosaurs on a Spaceship and pretend that the universe is this beautifully happy place where bits and pieces go a little wrong but nothing really matters until you mope about on a cloud for half an hour because you lost a companion who'll more than likely pop back to life when it's your next big anniversary you unreliable, relentlessly poorly written, plot-hole ridden little tit end.
PS. It is still unexplained why Clara's voice was Clara's voice in Asylum of the Daleks and not that of a freakin' Dalek's! Perhaps there is no explanation at all...!
★☆☆☆☆
Roo