The X Factor is gracing our television screens once again tomorrow night. Why? Well, that's a mystery to those who can't see past what is now quite obviously the ancient, withered, formulaic structure of a show through which, each year, exactly the same things happen, in usually exactly the same order but, and here's the clever part, with different faces stuck on. We all love a healthy bit of competition, but the X Factor has turned into a big fake drama. It's the next WWE! Soon Gary Barlow will be breaking chairs over contenstants' backs! It's scripted and edited to within an inch of its life, all the while violantly announcing that it's desperate to discover somebody in the UK who's got that 'X' factor when, in actual fact, even if they enter the competition with the oh-so rare bleedin' X factor everyone yaps on about, they leave the show having been cloned into a ballad-bashing bore.
Not so long ago the papers were shaking their fingers angrily at Mr Cowell, demanding to know why he was allowing the auditionees to get away with getting 'auto-tuned'. Then what? Nothing really. Everybody gave up wondering why such a ridiculous trick is played on us and simply carried on watching people make fools of themselves in a desperate bid for around 3 minutes screen time and then a life full of regret talking about their rampid sex lives or latest plastic surgery in Heat magazine. Simon knows we'll 'auto-tune' in again anyway.
The judges make the show out to be the only chance anybody could ever get at becoming a superstar. Now, that's unfair because it clearly isn't true. If you truly desire to make music you'll find plenty of other ways to have a bash at it before giving any thought to prancing about on stage in front of Louis Walsh, who'll love you and insist that he's "100%" behind you (110% if you're lucky) and that he's going to put you through so that you can think you're doing great until you suddenly realise, actually, you're a Wagner. We don't even have old misery guts himself on the show any more - perhaps the only drop of excitement that could be squeezed out of the show was when Mr Cowell would look at a performer with a face full of hatred and inform them that it was probably the worst audition he'd ever heard in his life.
Not so long ago the papers were shaking their fingers angrily at Mr Cowell, demanding to know why he was allowing the auditionees to get away with getting 'auto-tuned'. Then what? Nothing really. Everybody gave up wondering why such a ridiculous trick is played on us and simply carried on watching people make fools of themselves in a desperate bid for around 3 minutes screen time and then a life full of regret talking about their rampid sex lives or latest plastic surgery in Heat magazine. Simon knows we'll 'auto-tune' in again anyway.
The judges make the show out to be the only chance anybody could ever get at becoming a superstar. Now, that's unfair because it clearly isn't true. If you truly desire to make music you'll find plenty of other ways to have a bash at it before giving any thought to prancing about on stage in front of Louis Walsh, who'll love you and insist that he's "100%" behind you (110% if you're lucky) and that he's going to put you through so that you can think you're doing great until you suddenly realise, actually, you're a Wagner. We don't even have old misery guts himself on the show any more - perhaps the only drop of excitement that could be squeezed out of the show was when Mr Cowell would look at a performer with a face full of hatred and inform them that it was probably the worst audition he'd ever heard in his life.
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| Simon's auto-tuned flatulence sounded great |
Why put yourself through such ridicule? If somebody believes enough in what it is they do, they don't need some filthy rich man who looks about as dissatisfied with life as a chap who's had to fish his lunch out of a bin bag to tell them that, yes, they are actually quite good after all.
What's also unfair is that we're led to believe, as the audience, that it is our only chance to watch somebody become an almighty superstar. Our only opportunity to go on 'their journey' with them. This isn't true, because we all seem to forget that we can catch exactly the same thing happen next year so it doesn't matter if we miss it this time round. But, also, because it isn't 'their journey' at all. Everyone on the show, whether they realise it or not, are being put through the X Factor machine and they're all being churned out in the shape of ex-big brother contestants. That's all they're worth these days! And, what a shame! A lot of these people are very good at what they do, but they're forced to fanny about dancing instead of singing or they're having to change their style from week to week. Nobody loves an artist who constantly sings a different genre of music - that's why there are such things as genres. We like to know what we like and who we like doing it! It's simple as that!
I, personally, haven't watched much X Factor in recent years. But, I do remember that my absolute favourite act was Jedward. Yes - because they proved how nobody wants ballad bashing bores any more! They were laughing in the face of the X Factor machine! Every week they got through proved that all the nation really wanted was a bit of fun and to majorly irritate Simon Cowell, because he'd made their weekends and their christmasses as dull as his morbid dress sense and haircuts. But of course, Simon cashed in on that idea almost immediately and now, on Britain's Got Talent especially, we're getting 'silly' acts put through to later rounds for the 'fun of it', because 'we find it entertaining'. If the 'silly' contestants aren't taking it seriously themselves then that's fair enough, but issuing poor innocent contestants with false hope and ridiculing them because they don't realise they're so fucking awful is simply out of order. Sure, there have been success stories - JLS, Alexandra Burke, One Direction and Leona Lewis - but, still, they haven't got the X Factor like Elvis or Freddie Mercury or Michael Jackson. The 'X' factor, whatever that may be, is a lot more than Matt Cardle - otherwise what's all this fuss over?!
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| John & Edward chose not to wear pink - they didn't want to look gay! |
A few years back we all watched Joe Mcelderry lose out on the number one spot to 'Killing in the Name' by Rage Against the Machine. I felt sorry for Joe Mcelderry, it has to be said, but the Facebook group that encouraged people to buy an angry sounding track titled 'Rage Against the Machine' was a work of genius. We're well and truly tired of sitting in every Saturday, and indeed now Sunday, to watch the X Factor machine churn out 'artists' who have free clothes thrown at them, songs thrown at them that have been written by some other random, and never ending piles of dosh thrown at them when they should simply be told, "do what you want to do, not what you're told to do by these cash-hungry industry-hogging toss pots," because otherwise the fame they so desperately crave is incredibly short lived and they'll be dropped when they're not fashionable any more, or if they don't sell enough - which they rarely ever do! It's not possible to prove your worth to the british public any more by sitting on the conveyor belt in the X Factory - get up off you're backside and do it yourself. And, let us get up off ours, get some fresh air and reclaim Christmas!
And where the fuck is Pop Idol's Michelle McManus?!
Forget I asked.
Roo