Warning: "Holy spoiler-alert, Batman!"
As a teary-eyed farewell to a beloved film franchise (until the inevitable reboot) critics are flashing their five stars at Batman, in much the same way they did with Harry Potter's final adventure. This is not a five star film (and neither was the final Harry Potter). It's being said, however, that The Dark Knight Rises is not only a brilliant Batman movie, but one of the best movies ever made. It's a good film, yes, but it's also absurdly loud, ridiculously moody and buried so far up its own arse it thinks it's back in the bat cave.
That bat-voice cannot be healthy - no wonder he has to take an eight year break from it every once in a while! He must be suffering from a horrid case of nodules. But we've learned to cope with the bat-voice and we can just about understand what he's saying now that we've had two films worth of practice. Unfortunately, in The Dark Knight Rises, we've got to get to grips with Bane too, and his dodgily dubbed vocals, which isn't an easy task. And, as brilliant as Hans Zimmer's score is, he doesn't make understanding what's being said any easier for us as his music is boomed up to full volume here. It's absurd! You find yourself having to guess the gist of conversations not just between the Bat and the Bane, but between Fox and Bruce as they casually sit in an office having a perfectly ordinary discussion while an unnecessarily intense soundtrack relentlessly attempts to deafen them, and us! It's never ending - constant ear-splittingly bombastic banging and crashing and grumbles and mumbles and music and shouting and stomping and - at some points you could be fooled into thinking you're watching a Transformers movie.
"You came back to die with your city?" Bane asks, and due to the sheer intensity of the backing track, you may miss Batmans gem of a come-back, "No. I came back... to... stop... you." He then proceeds to punch Bane in the face. It thinks it's better than it is, and as a result, every single character can't wait before they get to unleash their next preachy 'pearl of wisdom' on us.
There are a few problems:
- Bane's plan wouldn't have been able to go so swimmingly had some very convenient events not taken place, which means his success in bringing terror to Gotham city was mostly down to chance.
- How was he able to plant so many bombs all over the city without any alarm bells ringing? They were literally everywhere. Surely strange men can't just go waltzing about planting bombs around every corner without someone noticing!
- Why is it that every single time a good guy gets into a dodgy situation, either Catwoman or Batman busts onto the scene, just in the nick of time, saving the day? There's a huge array of abandoned buildings to choose from and their friends could have been anywhere, yet right the way through they always knew to show up in the right place at just the right time. It gets a little repetative by about the third or fourth time this takes place and in the end you feel as though nobody's going to get hurt because someone will come along with a big gun at the last minute.
- Apparently the League of Shadows want nothing more than to destroy Gotham City, but according to comic fans, this is only in order for them to rebuild it. If Bane was going to detonate a giant bomb that would destroy Gotham and everyone in it, including himself, what the hell did he believe he was achieving? And, on top of that, why would anyone be willing to work for a psychopath that might decide to twist your neck any second but also plans to blow you up in a couple of months anyway?
- Why the fuck does Batman still wear pointy rubber ears and, most annoyingly, a big flappy cape? Surely he finds himself in the middle of fighting Bane, getting drenched in the sewers, thinking, "Why the fuck did I wear this thing?! It's getting wet, weighing me down - oh shit, the damn thing's caught!"
- Bane needed a more dramatic exit (such as waking up in the back seat of Batman's flying contraption nearer the end of the movie...) and the twist wasn't particularly special, or surprising.
Whinging aside, it really is quite a good movie. The plot may be a tad predictable at times, but the stakes have definitely been raised since last time and everything is to play for in The Dark Knight Rises. It's so much larger, it feels more important. There are some wonderful little touches too, such as an 'OMG' moment when we realise who would go on to become Batman's Robin if Nolan wanted to do one more movie. The cast is formidable, with stars such as Morgan Freeman, Michael Cane, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Gary Oldman all in the same place at the same time. Christian Bale and Anne Hathaway work fantastically together as Batman and Catwoman and all in all, you're going to enjoy it. You just won't be blown away. It's a thrilling ride and ten times better than half the shite Hollywood tends to pump out. Just make sure you've been to the toilet beforehand.
★★★☆☆
Roo